Minas Forumous is usualluy seen as a bright and happy community, but there is a gritty section in the west. That’s where the black market and the trolls gather, and for the most part the trolls were either out of luck or jobs. Some of them were just thrown out of the kingdom. Now, the kingdom was on very high alert, after all it was just a few months after the Great War. The Great War had been the eye opener to many people, showing them that trolls are not just pranksters, but serious threats. The west side of Minas Forumous, however, was the only place where trolls could hide in the kingdom. A secret trade of poptarts was in the black market of the west side, so that also attracted many trolls. Of those trolls, two of the most prominent of the big trolls lived there. Of those trolls was the king of all evil, the evil one, the great troll, nega-Mases. Those two trolls were none other than S3SAM and DARKMASTER.
“S3SAM, I’m cold, hungry, and tired. Can we please find a nice cardboard box to sleep in, please?” the incompitence of DARKMASTER inquired. They were walking the dark, glum, streets of the west side searching for a place of shelter for it was winter afterall and they had no source of heat. S3SAM ignored DARKMASTER’s annoying plea. They were clad in trench coats and fedoras so no one would recognize them. The duo were the two most wanted men in the land of Middle Forum.
“Please S3SAM. I’m hungry god damn it! I haven’t eaten in three days and what I ate tasted of smelly feet,” DARKMASTER contuinued to whine to the lord of the trolls. Quietly, DARKMASTER tip-toed over to S3SAM’s side and started poking him on arm. He started going round in circles poking the great evil’s body annoyingly. At one point he even started to dance while poking. S3SAM had finally had enough.
“What the hell do you want, vermin?” the one evil back handed the incompitence that is DARKMASTER. With a loud thud, DARKMASTER hit the cobblestone below. Slowly he started to stand up, carrying the weight of his broken and bloodied body. S3SAM was still waiting from an answer from his lowely assisstant. DARKMASTER was trying to form words that would make him sound smarter than he actually was. He was struggeling saying the big words and S3SAM started to tap his foot.
“Well? What in Mases’ name did you think was so important to say that you interupted my thinking?” the great evil replied with a very pissed and twisted look on his face.
“Well… I just wanted to say… That maybe… We could like go to a store or something and ask if we could like be in the store during the day or night and maybe sell some things or show people where to go in the store. Like, maybe we could even make some of those shiney things… What are they called? Rupees! Yeah! Maybe we could make rupees from like being there and doiong stuff!” DARKMASTER had a very hard time trying to say that without looking too confused. S3SAM could only face palm.
“You mean, get a job?” the lord of the trolls sighed with his palm upon his face. DARKMASTER was nodding like a young child in preschool.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah! That’s what we should do!” the more annoying troll would’ve been wagging his tail if he was a dog at that moment. For he had for once got something right.
“Don’t you know that they won’t hire trolls? We’re public enemy number one for crying out loud! They wouldn’t hire us even if a Redobear was threatning them with a dagger,” S3SAM shouted right at poor DARKMASTERS face. The saddened little troll started to cry a little bit.
“IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE THIS WAY! YOU SHOULD’VE TAKEN OVER THE GREAT ONE’S PALACE AND RULED THE LAND WITH ME RULING AS THE SEXY ASSISSTANT BY YOUR SIDE!” the man clad in the black and red cloak fell to the ground and weeped. S3SAM walked over and picked the shriveled figure up and threw himover his shoulder and carried him to the alley where they would sleep for the night. It was a long narrow alley today with a lot of trash cans and garbage. The great evil walked to the center of the alley and tossed DARKMASTER on a few trash cans.
“Go find your spot to sleep, you blubbering idiot,” S3SAM whispered coldly.
“Your words are offensive, S3SAM,” DARKMASTER replied and turned his head and corssed his arms so he wouldn’t have to look at the evil figure in the center of the alley.
“I know they are offensive to you, that’s why I said them,” S3SAM quipped and sunk down to a spot he found well enough to sleep in. It was a little cardboard box that he could fit in just right. DARKMASTER also found another spot to sleep, purposely away from the great evil. There was a long silence until S3SAM got the will power to speak to the incompitence of DARKMASTER again.
“I guess we could look for jobs in the morning…” after he said that in the dark, he could almost see DARKMASTER beaming from ear to ear. Then they drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, it was lightly snowing. DARKMASTER arose from his sleep and yawned. He started reaching around for some food, he felt something furry, he grabbed it, shoved it in his toothy mouth and ate it.
“Dude, that was nasty! You just ate a rat!” laughed S3SAM. The evil one fell down from the laughter. DARKMASTER replied by throwing an empty can inbetween S3SAM’s eyes.
“You seriously want to go there, DARKMASTER?” S3SAM snarled. The annoying troll nodded happily.
“Well, you are going to have to face the wrath of S3SAM!” the great evil bellowed while he ran to the trash can and picked it up. DARKMASTER was muttering to himself trying to run from S3SAM. Eventually he came to the exit of the alley in the street. There sure were a lot of cars out that day… Man if I made DARKMASTER hit by a car that would be hilarious. DARKMASTER looked up to Tony writing the story.
“Don’t you even think about it!” he growled to the heavens. Fine then you troll, thanks for taking my fun away. Anyways, he ran into the street with S3SAM slowely walking towards him. DARKMASTER stumbled unto the street during the morning rush. S3SAM ran to him trying to get him out of the road, but it was useless because he got hit by a car and landed by DARKMASTER. The car that hit S3SAM parked and the door opened. As it creaked open, DARKMASTER clinged to S3SAM.
“I don’t want to die!” the whimpy little troll was crying out. The man walked to the two cowardous trolls lying on the street. His mane was blowing in the snowy wind. He was a beast of a man, and he was about to kick their ass. As he approached them, S3SAM began to stand and yell at the uncoming man.
“Step away! I am the almighty S3SAM and I will use my trollish powers to kill you! Hot pockets frozen in the middle shall rain down from the blood red sky! Guy Fawks masks will be the only mask that will be legal to wear! The Trololol will be the national anthem! Oh and you! You won’t be able to see it because I will trap you in a dungeon with your eyes open forced to watch Rebecca Black’s Friday music video! I am the grandmother of all evil. I AM S3SAM!” but the one evil’s efforts failed miserable as the man punched him in the gut. S3SAM sunk to the ground in pain.
“Don’t kill me! I’m to scared to die! I don’t even believe in an afterlife!” DARKMASTER cried out in fear. The man with the beastly appearance beat up DARKMASTER and threw him in the trunk of his car. He grabbed S3SAM to throw in the trunk as well but S3SAM was writhing in fear.
“Who are you? I demand a lawyer!” the great evil demanded.
“Me? I am Axle the Beast. Now get in that trunk!” Axle grabbed the poor king of evil and threw him in the trunk of the car. He proceeded to go for a little high speed drive to the east side of Minas Forumous. In the trunk DARKMASTER and S3SAM were terrified and searching for ways to get out. They knew they would be reported trolls if they stayed in the trunk of the car. At one point S3SAM grabbed DARKMASTER by the feet and beat him agains the trunk so they could break it open. He threw DARKMASTER to the side where they heard a clang of metal.
“What the hell was that?” S3SAM inquired.
“I don’t know man all I know is that it was metal and it hit my head and now my head is gushing blood,” DARKMASTER whined trying to stop his head from gushing blood. S3SAM crawled over the metal thing. He started experimenting with it.
“Tastes like a jack. Looks like a jack. Feels like a jack. You know what?” S3SAM asked DARKMASTER
“What?” DARKMASTER replied in a very interested demeanor.
“I think that’s a car jack,” S3SAM said very proudly of himself as he was grinning ear to ear.
“Well jack it up so we can get out of this darn trunk,” DARKMASTER cried out dramatically. S3SAM started jacking it up and got the trunk open with a sudden pop. The saw the rushing street.
“Is the street moving or are we moving?” DARKMASTER asked incompitently. S3SAM shook his head and looked at the street with fear and hatred. Suddenly a lightbulb appeared over his head. He had an idea.
“Hey DARKMASTER, I bet if you jump out and start running you won’t get hurt,”
“Really? I don’t know S3SAM…”
“Just do it! We need to get out of here!”
“Well… I don’t know man…”
S3SAM pushed DARKMASTER, but DARKMASTER grabbed the sleeve of S3SAM so they both tumbled out and started bouncing across the street with cars trying to dodge them. At one point DARKMASTER hit the window of David’s truck. When the finally stopped bouncing across the street, they were broken and bloodied yet again, but they saw something that would change their day forever.
“Hey DARKMASTER, check that out! The sign!” S3SAM laughed with immense joy.
“What’s the big deal?” DARKMASTER asked with a derp face.
“Just read it!” S3SAM started dancing happily.
“J-j-ob openings. Will accept trolls, fiends, posters, article staff, mods, admins, HK’s, HN’s, n00bs, anyone who can get this freaking job done,” DARKMASTER read aloud.
“Does that mean we’re getting jobs?” asked S3SAM with immense exitement. S3SAM nodded. The started to dance and dance. They danced until they realized someone was coming in for a job interview. It was a user by the name of Jedizora. He was walking into the store when S3SAM and DM beat him up and took his money, clothes, and dog.
“No hard feelings, we just need this job more than you,” S3SAM smiled and struted in with his fancy new clothes. DARKMASTER was behind him strutting along like a happy 50’s cartoon character. They saw all the toys and presents and snobby kids screaming for the thing that they wanted. They saw the dreaded informal brotherhood. Tony was looking at some Megadeth merchendise, 425 was searching for the last copy of Atlas Shrugged and Keith was looking for an Assassins Creed game. They just sniffed and acted snobby. As they walked by they saw a mirror. A whole room of shoes, they would try every one of those shoes on. They walked into the dressing room. S3SAM came out in cowboy boots.
“How do I look?” he asked DARKMASTER.
“Like a boss, S3SAM like a boss,” DM replied as he got some steel toed boots on. With their new stolen shoes they finally went to the job opening. Luckily for them, no one was waiting to be interveiwed. The secretary ordered them into the office of the store manager. They walked in DM stopped at the secretary and started hitting on her, S3SAM grabbed him and threw him in the poor managers office. In the office was a young woman. She was dressed in a t-shirt with Medli from Windwaker on it and some jeans.
“Hello, I am Medli your new manager. I am assuming that you two are here for the mall Santa Clause gig, who am I kidding? You probably are just here for something other than a job, may I help you?” Medli inquired.
“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! GIVE US THE JOB PLEASE WE ARE DOWN ON OUR LUCK AND WE NEED A JOB VERY BADLY!” begged S3SAM on the floor praising the very ground that Medli walked on at the moment.
“Very well, you in the eh… You… You ugly one…. The one who that other guy calls DARKMASTER, get the reindeer outfit on hurry up, no time for dilly-dally kids are waiting. You… Other one… I forget your name. You look like a jolly enough and fat enough person to be our Santa Clause, get that suit on. I’ll show you where to go after you get dressed,” Medli commanded the duo to do so and they obeyed with a salute. When they got their attire on, S3SAM found a whip in his pocket.
“Woah! I get to whip the reindeer!” an evil laugh bellowed out of S3SAM’s throat while DARKMASTER whimpered in the corner.
“No. You don’t get to whip the reindeer. You get to have the kids sit on your lap and have them tell you what they want for Christmas. See it’s easy. Now follow me ^^” Medli said cheerfully as they exited the office.
“Okay this is our car section where we have all our vehicle toys,” Medli started talking about the store. DARKMASTER nudged S3SAM in the ribs.
“That is our doll section for the young girls,” she said very happily again. S3SAM backhanded DARKMASTER.
“Now that is the electronics, you can see 425 arguing about the Apple computers,” Medli was always joyful and smiling when she talked. DARKMASTER slapped S3SAM back.
“Okay this is your area, Santa’s workshop… Oh dear, there’s already a line of children. Go in the back way so they don’t see you. Are you ready guys… Guys? Guys what the heck are you doing?” Medli shouted at the two. They were in a slap fight and it looked like S3SAM was winning. She seperated the two and yelled at them for proper work actions. They walked in the back and S3SAM got in his chair. The children in the crowd yelled and screamed with joy. DARKMASTER came out in the reindeer outfit. The children booed and threw things at him. Now the actual work began.
“Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas little boy?” asked Santa S3SAM.
“I want a… A… A toy train!” the kid answered.
“That’s it? A train? You want a train? Why don’t you ask for world domination? Or maybe some dynamite?” Santa S3SAM yelled at the kid.
“I don’t know Santa. All I wanted was a train,” the little kid was about to cry.
“FINE! YOU CAN GET YOUR TRAIN BUT I WON’T GIVE YOU THAT SPECIAL KABOOSE YOU WANTED FOR IT!” Santa S3SAM was yelling at the poor kid. The child ran away crying.
“Next!” S3SAM demanded. A young girl walked forward.
“I want world peace for Christmas, Santy Clause,” the young girl smiled with a smile that would melt your heart with the spirit of Christmas.
“Are you crazy? No one wants world peace!” blurted out DARKMASTER.
“Shut up, DARKMASTER. This is my job. You stand their and look ugly!” S3SAM started to whip DARKMASTER with the whip he found in the Santa costume. DARKMASTER cried out in pain and collapsed to the floor. The girl ran away crying. The next kid that came up was Keith [Ganondork]. He was six feet tall and sat down on S3SAM’s lap.
“ACK. What do you want for… Christmas… cough so tall,” S3SAM was trying to get the words out but was being crushed by Keith.
“I want a 3DS,” said Keith bluntly with his deep voice.
“WHAT? YOU DON’T HAVE ONE ALREADY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” DARKMASTER was laughing aloud. Keith walked over and kicked DARKMASTER in the nads. S3SAM started whipping DARKMASTER again. This time it was more violent with the whipping. Medli walked back to check on the two.
“WHAT IN THE NAME OF MASES ARE YOU DOING TO THAT POOR REINDEER?” she cried and ran over to DARKMASTER who was crying on the floor.
“He was back talking to the great Santa S3SAM, so I had to kick his ass,” the one evil Santa said studying his nails.
“Get out of the store now! Here’s the five bucks you earned,” Medli whipped the five bucks at S3SAM’s face. He caught the money and then raised his whip in the air.
“Okay listen up! This store is being taken over by me and that dude laying on the floor! Give up all your money!” S3SAM yelled into the air. He picked up DARKMASTER and flicked his whip and latched onto a pole in the air. He swung to a higher platform.
“Help! I’m being kidnapped!” DARKMASTER yelled. S3SAM only whipped him. Everybody below was watching. S3SAM looked intensly into DARKMASTERS eyes. DARKMASTER was staring back.
“Give me some sugar, baby,” S3SAM said smoothly. DARKMASTER moved closer. S3SAM moved closer. Then DARKMASTER kicked S3SAM right in the nuts.
“Fooled you!” DARKMASTER laughed. S3SAM punched DARKMASTER in the face. DARKMASTER punched back. They started fighting until the police came to the scen. They cuffed the two idiots and brought them to the community jail. It was Christmas Eve and they were in the jail facing opposite sides. S3SAM moved closer to DARKMASTER.
“Sorry for everything… I should’ve been better so you could keep your job,” S3SAM tried to smile but failed. DARKMASTER wouldn’t listen.
“HEY I SAID I WAS SORRY!” S3SAM yelled at the top of his lungs. DARKMASTER looked at S3SAM in the eyes and smiled. They looked out the window and saw all the bright Christmas lights. That moment all the hatred, trolliness, and death in those two trolls’ souls was gone for about one minute and they enjoyed the lights. S3SAM looked at DARKMASTER and DARKMASTER looked back at him.
“Merry Christmas, DARKMASTER,” S3SAM said.
“Merry Christmas, S3SAM,” DARKMASTER replied.
DEDICATED TO MEDLI